Let This Dream Live On
A bunch of us planned to get together and watch a movie that Friday night. I got ready and headed to the house down the street but it was not only 'the house', it was his house. It was a warm summer night. We all bunched in front of the TV, laughing and talking together.
"Pause the movie!" someone yelled.
The boys wanted to take a smoke break, the girls gossiped around the chips and dip. I wanted to find the bathroom. I looked around and headed upstairs. The smooth wooden banister guided me to the upstairs hallway. I loved this house, I always had. When we had been younger, I always dreamed that I would marry him and we would live here. The rooms so cheery and bright; the wooden finishes seemed to shine. I went around a corner. I tip-toed to a door and listened, no sound. I quietly cracked the door open and peeked inside. I could feel myself smile. It was his room. Bed unmade, car posters on the walls, clothes everywhere, yes it was definitely his room. I quickly closed the door behind me.
I was drawn to his dresser by the pictures placed there. I picked up the one of him and his car. He loved that car, he was always bragging about it. I always imagined us riding off together in the sunset in that car, usually when I was day-dreaming in class. I laughed to myself.
I set the picture down and went over to the open window. I could feel the light summer breeze against my skin. I opened the window a little farther and climbed out onto the roof. The sky was just starting to turn a deep violet color. I sat down and hugged my knees to my chest. I wanted to sit here with him, tell him all my dreams, plan out out lives together, or just laugh at each other.
Just then, I heard his voice carry across the yard, "Hello beautiful girl on top of my roof. Won't you come down and smoke with us?" I smiled. I looked back at him, looking up at me.
"If your lucky," I replied, playfully.
I found my way to the trellis and slowly, causiously climbed down. He held out his hand and helped me down. He held his cigarette out to me and I pushed it away.
"Want to go for a walk?" he asked.
I nodded, forgetting moments ago I was deeply intrigued in the movie going on inside. We started off down the street. The sun was almost completely set now and I looked toward the mix of yellows, reds, and blues it left behind. He looked at me. I could tell he was thinking hard about something but I couldn't imagine what it could be. Suddenly, he smiled and slipped his hand into mine. I looked away and blushed. I felt like a little kid at Christmas. I looked down at his fingers intertwined with mine to make sure it was real. We walked on, talking about school, laughing about our lives, and predicting our futures. After we had walked all over town, I tarried down the alley back to his house, not wanting to let the moment go. When we got back, the house was empty and everyone had gone home. He pulled me toward the trellis, "Let's sit on the roof for awhile." I thought for a moment and said, "OK."
When we reached the roof, I laid back and let my eyes wonder around the night sky. He laid down next to me and sighed. The stars had come out now, we looked at the sky and then at each other. I pointed out the big dipper, the little dipper, and north star.
"I want you to know something, " he turned toward me. His face seemed suddenly serious. I felt my forehead wrinkle with concern.
"And that would be?" I said bravely.
"Well, all the time that we have been growing up, we've been together. We rode the bus together, hung out with the same crowd, and were in all the same classes. We've done a lot of things together and shared a lot of memories, " he paused, looking at me.
"Yes, I suppose that's true, " I said, wanting him to continue.
"Through everything, I know you've always cared about me. If I needed anything I knew that you would be there and no one else would have done that for me. I just want you to know that you mean a lot to me and..." his voice trailed off and he looked away.
I tenderly lifted his face up, "What? Is there something else you want to say?"
He took both of my hands in his, "Do you remember the night at the creek when I said that no one had ever loved me?"
"Yes, and I told you that I had loved you and always would."
He smiled, "Yeah you did, and...I want you to know that I love you too."
I felt my body go numb, I repeated his words over in my mind. He loved me? After all these years, all the things we had been through, he loved me? I had never expected him to say that. His words seemed to bring me back to where we were perched atop the roof, underneath the stars, "Say something?"
I tried, "Uhh..." Then I gave up, leaned forward, and pressed my lips against his.
I don't know what time I got home, or even how I got there. I quite possibly floated home on a cloud that was sliver lined. I didn't sleep, though. I laid awake for hours, not sure if I had just woken up from a dream or if it had been real. I replayed everything in my head. Finally, when I started to doze off in a dreamy sleep, I realized something. I really was in love with him and he loved me back, but why did I have this feeling that it could be nothing more?
A few days passed, I wrestled with my feelings and my thoughts. For the majority of my life I had dreamed of the day when he would tell me that he loved me but I never really expected it to happen. Now that it had really happened I felt like something was wrong. We had our whole lives before us, the rest of high school, college, and whatever came after that. I knew that neither one of us could be completely committed to each other because we didn't even know what we wanted to do with our own lives.
After I finally came to this conclusion, it was late. The summer night had taken over outside and I followed the sidewalk across town until his house was before me. I wasn't sure how I could take the dream that I had always had and tell it to pass by, to go on without me. It wasn't me. It wasn't the thing that I would usually do but I knew that it was the right thing and that's what mattered. This dream wasn't something that you could hold on too, it was the beautiful butterfly you always wanted to land on your hand but when it did you couldn't keep it. You couldn't close your hand for you would crush it so you let it go. You watch it fly away into the distance and know it's better that way. It's beauty will live on.
I carefully climbed the trellis and at the top I stepped onto the roof. I peered in the window. There he was, flopped on his bed, watching TV. I hesitated for a moment, then tapped on the glass. He smiled as he came toward the window and opened it for me. As he helped me in the window, he looked at my face.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
So I told him. Everything that I had been thinking tumbled out of my mouth...until there was nothing left to be said. I looked at his face and for a moment I almost took it all back but I held it in. I wanted to be strong for both of us, more now than ever. He looked at me and I knew that he understood and agreed. We hugged goodbye and I climbed out the window and down the trellis. As I crossed his yard I looked back at the house and could barely make out the figure sitting atop the roof, watching me go.
posted by Brittany @ 11:34 AM
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